Stewie is diagnosed with ADD and prescribed Adderall, which Brian takes to write a 2000-page proposal to pitch to author George R.R. Martin at a book convention. Meanwhile, Quagmire and Peter compete, Iron Chef-style, to determine which of them gets to keep his new cooking show.
For Father's Day, the guys track down Joe's estranged father. But when Joe explains that his dad is intolerant of people with disabilities, Peter steps in and pretends to be Joe. Meanwhile, Stewie's doctor tells him that he'll only grow to be 5’1", so he hangs out with Tiny Tom Cruise to understand what it's like to be short.
Stewie doesn't like Brian's stand-up comedy jokes, so the two of them fight. To get back at Brian and make him jealous, Stewie builds a robot friend. But when the robot outsmarts Stewie and dumps him, Brian and Stewie reunite. Meanwhile, Lois forces Peter to get a new mattress.
The guys go to an abandoned asylum seeking inspiration for a new horror movie idea, but end up accidentally killing a man they think is keeping them hostage. Wracked with guilt, they each try to pin the murder on someone else. Meanwhile, Stewie is on a mission to destroy Brian's glasses because he's annoyed by how pretentious Brian's been acting when he wears them
Peter gets a check in the mail from the sale of his mother's home and he remembers that all of his old porn is still in there. When he returns to retrieve his stash, he finds a "to Peter from Peter" tape and realizes that his life has amounted to nothing. Reeling from his own failures, Peter then attempts to fix Chris before it's too late, and forces his son to spend time with Brian.
Peter's sister, Karen, decides to come for Thanksgiving and bullies Peter the same way Meg treats him. While Meg is at first amused, she later feels badly and decides to help Peter train to defeat his sister in a wrestling match. Meanwhile, to avoid overeating on Thanksgiving, Stewie and Brian decide to go on a cleanse, which Stewie takes one step too far.
Quagmire admits that he is in love with Lois. Unfortunately, he proclaims his love while he has accidentally pocket-dialed Peter. Peter is furious and Brian takes it upon himself to fix the situation.
When Joe is trampled in a local running of the bulls and becomes a quadriplegic, the guys find it too difficult to hang around him. Meanwhile, Brian sleeps with a married woman, and when the husband returns home, he pretends to be the family's new dog.
When Peter's couch is stolen from his front lawn, the guys form a neighborhood watch group. While on duty, Peter sees someone trying to climb into Cleveland's house and he shoots him. Peter is then arrested and charged with a hate crime. Meanwhile, Cleveland is touched when Peter finally admits to the accident, so he takes the fall for the crime and Peter is exonerated.
Peter, Cleveland and Joe come across a VHS tape called "Winter/Summer" an Asian soap opera that Quagmire starred in when he was living in Korea. Unable to find the final episode of the series, the guys travel to Korea to find it and Quagmire is reunited with his old lover. Meanwhile, Stewie worries he might become a redhead.
When their bank accounts begin to run dry, the Griffins look for ways to make money. Stewie gets cast in a peanut butter commercial and becomes the money maker for the family. Meanwhile, Lois and Peter become crazy show business parents and Brian helps Stewie realize that he does not want to be a child actor.
Lois and her mom, Babs, have a relaxing spa day, leaving Peter to entertain Lois' father, Carter. The boys fall for an email scam, and have to go to Africa to get their money back. Meanwhile, Brian pursues Meg's friend, Patty.
Peter overloads his phone with apps. He buys a new phone with more memory, gives his old phone to Chris, and hilarity ensues. Stewie joins a tennis club and invites Brian to be his tennis partner.
Mayor West raises the drinking age to 50. Because of dog years, Brian is the only one old enough to buy alcohol, so Peter makes him buy all of his booze.
When Stewie refuses to sleep in his own bed because of nightmares, Peter can't stand it, so he goes to sleep in the attic. Peter turns the attic into a man cave and all of the guys begin hanging out there, which makes Lois incredibly angry. Meanwhile, Brian helps Stewie overcome his fears by building a device to go into his nightmares and defeat his demons.
Meg begins working at a retirement community and starts stealing from the residents. Then Chris finds out and wants in on the heist. When the residents catch them, they blackmail them and force the thieves to listen to all of their boring stories.
To pay for Stewie's private school, Lois becomes a postal worker. She finds a letter from Peter that was never sent to his old fling, Gretchen, dated a week before their marriage. When Gretchen tries to come between Lois and Peter, Lois has a plan of her own.
Peter gets lost in the mall overnight after his family abandons him. Meanwhile, Brian pretends to be a millionaire to win over a girl.
To everyone's surprise, Chris wins homecoming king. However, Meg finds out that the cool kids plan to prank him during the homecoming ceremony, so they go to the school to investigate. Meanwhile, Cleveland starts hanging out with Jerome, the bartender. So Peter and the guys try to replace him.
Brian falls in love with a tech support worker in India, so he and Stewie travel there to find her. Meanwhile, Joe invites Peter to his bingo night, but when Peter becomes the new center of attention, Lois helps Joe reclaim the group.